I'm Here

My title pretty much sums up how I feel today. I'm just here. Today is my first day back to work since last Tuesday. It's hard coming back, because I feel like people are looking at me like "poor girl."

I handle death a little differently than others, I think. I didn't let my closest friends know till after the funeral, because I didn't want them to come. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but I didn't want to have to worry about "entertaining" them. I just wanted to be with my family and no one else.

I put poor hubs through the ringer last week, I'm sure. But, he never complained. He completely understood. Case in point, when I broke down in the kitchen because Taco Bueno didn't give me any guac, he got back in the truck and had them correct their mistake. I felt horrible, but he understood. Hubs wasn't only there for me, he was also there for the rest of my family. He served as a pallbearer. I know that my Grammy loved him as her own grandchild and that's what she would've wanted. He did a great job. He also helped me put together a memorial DVD. I'd never done one before and neither had he, but together, we got it done. We got a ton of compliments on it and I was even impressed that we were able to pull it together in a matter of a day. It took a lot of work and I was less than easy to work with, but we pulled it together. We're making more copies for family members and we gave the original to my grandad. I love that man and I feel for him.

We had no idea that my Grammy was leaving us so soon. No idea at all. My parents took her to the ER Sunday night because she wasn't getting enough food or water. She was weak and wasn't making any sense. Just last week, she was walking and talking fine. But, the radiation had totally destroyed her stomach. Therefore, she just didn't eat or drink. She was very dehydrated, but we were sure that she would pull through and go home. Then, on Monday when things weren't improving at a fast rate, they ordered a brain scan for Tuesday. I got to see my Grammy Monday after work. Hubs met me at the hospital and we stayed there for about 45 minutes before she was too tired to talk. She did tell me that it was an honor to be my grandmother and thank you for finding hubs. I told her (through tears) that it was an honor to be her granddaughter and thank you for being such a great grandmother. That was the hardest moment. I just knew that it was the dehydration talking and that she'd be fine. Tuesday she just slept. They did the scan and it was found that the cancer had moved to her brain. She was given less than 2 weeks to live. I found out after work.

Wednesday her blood pressure started dropping. The nurses told us that her organs would begin to shut down and they did. Around 2pm, she stopped breathing for about 45 seconds. The doctors were called in and Grammy suddenly came back and woke up. She looked around scared. She was unable to talk, but she could hear us. Moments later, Grammy went to Heaven.
She was only 63 years old.

I want to say Thank You to everyone for the kind words and prayers. It's great to have a support group like you all. I ask that you continue the prayers for my family - as everyone just can't believe that she's gone. It will take a while for us all to recover and I'm sure that things will never be the same.