A Day of Rememberence

This morning I looked at my rings and for some reason the thought of how my Grammy loved my wedding band and ring came to mind. Almost every time I saw her, she wanted to see my sparkling rings. As I sat there staring at them this morning, I remembered the last time I cleaned them was the day of her funeral (Nov 2009). I did it for her. I knew she would be there looking down on our family and I wanted her to be able to admire the sparkling rings. Sounds silly, but it's what I felt. So, this morning, I cleaned my rings again.

I came into work this morning and looked at my calendar... Today is/was Grammy's birthday. She would've been 64 today. I know she probably doesn't celebrate her Earth Birthday up in Heaven, but I want to wish her a Happy Birthday anyways. Above is a picture that I had of her saved in my email. It was the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure in Oct 2008. I didn't get to go to that race and walk it with her because I had 2 stress fractures and walking was very painful. Plus, the doctor told me to stay home. She had a great time at those races. I remember the first time I went to a Susan G Komen race back in 2006. It was just her, me, and my aunt that day. That was the most excited and happy that I had seen my Grammy. She was throwing her hands in the air and dancing along to the street music. She loved every minute of being able to say "Hey ladies, I'm a survivor too." Even though cancer battled her 3 times and this last time it won, I still believe that she was the strongest survivor I ever knew.

So, even though you're not with us anymore Grammy, today is your day! I hope you're enjoying it and dancing in Heaven. We love and miss you.

Na Cho Average Night!

I volunteered for about 2 hours at Children's Hospital, with some coworkers yesterday. Our company puts on a Bingo game for the kids once a month and this was my 2nd time to participate. I had a blast the first time and was looking forward to it again once I knew that I would be able to go. But, I have to be honest, given the circumstances I was a little anxious to say the least. It was one week ago yesterday that I was in another hospital down the road a little ways with my Grammy. So, when I walked into another hospital, I felt a little overwhelmed with emotions, but I kept telling myself that it was for different reasons. So, I went up to the playroom with others and there were 2 cancer patients (among other patients). They reminded me so much of my Grammy - their little hairless heads. But, I held back the tears and put my happy face on and pushed through. I was there for them, after all. Turns out, I kinda knew one of the patients and her mother, who was also there. It was nice to chit chat with them. I ran with her mom in the beginning of the Half training. She's from my town and her and her husband works where hubs works. Not only that, but I've heard their story a few times and am friends with one of their friends. So, it was nice to put a face with the story. Good news is, that little girl is cancer free now. :) Praise the Lord.





Moving on... I was little emotional when I left and I called my stepmom and had a nice long chat with her. Grammy was her mom. It was good to get some of that out and talk to someone who understood where I was coming from. We also had a nice chat about my brother, whom I'm currently having a rather large disagreement with. So, to say that I was feeling all kinds of emotions is an understatement.





I get home and read my brother's email...and then get a text from hubs saying he wants something "good for dinner." In other words, he doesn't want me to cook dinner LOL. To be honest, I was totally fine with that because I'm an emotional eater and I was kinda emotional!! So, we went to OC. Remember a few months ago when I mentioned their awesome nachos?? Well, I took a picture for ya'll:




Note... there was more cheese and toppings on a few of those nachos... I ate a little before remembering to take a picture. :) Also to note... we may or may not have gotten a side of guac. Just saying. So yes, I ate horribly and may of had a half slice of pizza. But, I only ate a small-ish portion of those nachos. Actually, 90% of the pizza and 70% of the nachos are in the fridge as we "speak." So there, I didn't do awful and I ordered a water - still carbonated-drink free!!!

Anyways, I'm on the fence about what to do tonight. Spin again or try running for the first time in almost 3 weeks? I'm really thinking I'll go out for a run. The weather looks nice, although it might be a little chilly. But, I'm thinking 2 or 3 miles is on the agenda. Just something to get my legs moving again! What do you think?

I'm Here

My title pretty much sums up how I feel today. I'm just here. Today is my first day back to work since last Tuesday. It's hard coming back, because I feel like people are looking at me like "poor girl."

I handle death a little differently than others, I think. I didn't let my closest friends know till after the funeral, because I didn't want them to come. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but I didn't want to have to worry about "entertaining" them. I just wanted to be with my family and no one else.

I put poor hubs through the ringer last week, I'm sure. But, he never complained. He completely understood. Case in point, when I broke down in the kitchen because Taco Bueno didn't give me any guac, he got back in the truck and had them correct their mistake. I felt horrible, but he understood. Hubs wasn't only there for me, he was also there for the rest of my family. He served as a pallbearer. I know that my Grammy loved him as her own grandchild and that's what she would've wanted. He did a great job. He also helped me put together a memorial DVD. I'd never done one before and neither had he, but together, we got it done. We got a ton of compliments on it and I was even impressed that we were able to pull it together in a matter of a day. It took a lot of work and I was less than easy to work with, but we pulled it together. We're making more copies for family members and we gave the original to my grandad. I love that man and I feel for him.

We had no idea that my Grammy was leaving us so soon. No idea at all. My parents took her to the ER Sunday night because she wasn't getting enough food or water. She was weak and wasn't making any sense. Just last week, she was walking and talking fine. But, the radiation had totally destroyed her stomach. Therefore, she just didn't eat or drink. She was very dehydrated, but we were sure that she would pull through and go home. Then, on Monday when things weren't improving at a fast rate, they ordered a brain scan for Tuesday. I got to see my Grammy Monday after work. Hubs met me at the hospital and we stayed there for about 45 minutes before she was too tired to talk. She did tell me that it was an honor to be my grandmother and thank you for finding hubs. I told her (through tears) that it was an honor to be her granddaughter and thank you for being such a great grandmother. That was the hardest moment. I just knew that it was the dehydration talking and that she'd be fine. Tuesday she just slept. They did the scan and it was found that the cancer had moved to her brain. She was given less than 2 weeks to live. I found out after work.

Wednesday her blood pressure started dropping. The nurses told us that her organs would begin to shut down and they did. Around 2pm, she stopped breathing for about 45 seconds. The doctors were called in and Grammy suddenly came back and woke up. She looked around scared. She was unable to talk, but she could hear us. Moments later, Grammy went to Heaven.
She was only 63 years old.

I want to say Thank You to everyone for the kind words and prayers. It's great to have a support group like you all. I ask that you continue the prayers for my family - as everyone just can't believe that she's gone. It will take a while for us all to recover and I'm sure that things will never be the same.

A Sad Day

I just thought I'd update and let everyone know that my Grammy went to Heaven yesterday afternoon after a long battle with cancer. The cancer had spread to her brain and her death was very sudden. She was just walking and talking a few short days ago. We will all miss her greatly; she was the backbone of this family and a woman that we all looked up to. Thank you for your prayers.

Happy November!

Yes, this is a real spider. Yes, it tried to eat me Thursday when I came home from work. Yes, I screamed like a little girl and almost set our alarm off because I wouldn't run past the demon. But, alas, I made it in, grabbed my camera (because hubs wouldn't believe this) and zoomed in as much as I could. Then, I shut the door and sent the picture to hubs asking him what I needed to do. His response? Stomp on it. Um, yeah right - that thing would go up my pants leg for sure! So, I grabbed some Oust! and was prepared to spray it to death, only it was gone! So, I called Terminix (sp?) and made an appointment for the spider killers to come on Friday. :) I haven't seen a spider since that lovely man left after booby trapping our house!

Finally, it's November! We are out of October! Yes! I clearly have issues with October and I was SO happy to see November yesterday. Not only that, but the extra hour we gained yesterday was lovely as well. Who knew that an hour could make that big of a difference?! I had a wonderful weekend and I hope ya'll did too! Tonight will be my first gym class. I'm either taking Spin or Pilates tonight! Wish me luck, because I'm nervous!

P.S. My grandmother was taken to the hospital last night. The new batch of chemo they have her on is making her very sick and she's not been holding food or liquids down. She's lost a lot of weight and has gotten weak. Please pray that the doctors can make her feel better so she's able to fight the cancer. Thank You.

Why Komen Is Close To My Heart

I'm taking a break from the usual running post to tell ya'll about something that is near and dear to my heart. It's called the Susan G Komen Foundation. Alot of ya'll are already familiar with this foundation, but for those of you who are not, here is a little rundown:

• For the past 25 years, the Komen Foundation has played a critical role in every major advancement in the fight against breast cancer - transforming how the world talks about and treats this disease, and helping to turn millions of breast cancer patients into breast cancer survivors.
• Susan G Komen fought breast cancer and spent her time thinking of ways to make life better for other women battling breast cancer. Moved by Susan's compassion for others, her sister promised she would do everything in her power to end breast cancer. Although Susan lost her battle, her legacy lives on through the work of the Foundation.
• The money raised by the Foundation provides free mammograms and helps support costly research.

That's my short version... By the way, all of that information was taken from their Arkansas Affiliate website. Now, on to why it matters so much to me, personally.
I've known several women who have had breast cancer, but it never hit home until my grandmother was diagnosed. Through her, I've seen how breast cancer affects not only those who have been diagnosed, but their families as well. My grandmother has fought and survived breast cancer twice and is now fighting cancer for a third time. Whenever I think of something that might seem challenging or something I'm unsure if I can overcome, I think of her. She's shown me that you can overcome anything if you fight hard enough. She truly has been an inspiration to myself and I'm sure others as well.
I'd like for us to fight hard and to raise enough money for research and free mammograms, so that one day we can put an end to this awful disease. If we all just give a small donation, such as $5, we can raise a huge amount of money. Wouldn't it be an awesome feeling to know that your $5 donation could help find the cure for breast cancer?! So, I'm asking you, instead of spending $5 on lunch today or on a smoldering hot drink, please take that $5 and give it to a worthy cause. I promise it will make your day so much better than that greasy hamburger would!!
If you'd like to donate, please click on the Susan G Komen icon on the sidebar on the right. You wont be sorry you did!

Happy Goals

Thanks for all of the prayers. My grandmother had her first radiation treatment yesterday and from what I've been told, everything went well.

Alot of ya'll have asked how I like Happy (the Garmin) so far. I love it! So far, I've used it on our 10 mile bike ride on Saturday, our 4 mile run on Sunday, and our 2 mile run last night. I even used the heart monitor on Sunday. My heart rate got up to 188 and stayed there for quite a while. I'm not sure if that's normal or not, I'm about to Google it and see. Btw, if it's not normal, just know that I do have heart problems - nothing new.

Anyways, I had full intentions of putting some of my runs on here in nice little splits and graphs, but have found myself too completely exhausted to do so. Last night, I did look at my splits and they're horrible. As in, the first mile I ran a 12:29 and then the second a 14:01. But, I will say that I somehow hurt my hip after the first mile. So, I'm blaming that. LOL I think I just didn't stretch my hip flexor well enough. I'm definitely feeling it today.

Tonight calls for 3 miles. If I can walk like a normal person, then we'll run the 3 miles. If not, we'll figure something else out.

The 5k is this Saturday. I'm pretty excited. I looked up my '07 & '08 results and they weren't pretty, so I'm pretty excited about beating those times and possibly.. coming in around 38-39 minutes. That's my goal (yes, I'm slow), so we shall see!!

Unsettled

That's the way I feel today. Unsettled.

This weekend I found out that my Grandmother has cancer again. This will be her 3rd round with it. She's had breast cancer twice and now has cancer in her spine and back. I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. She's a real trooper. She really is, but in the back of my mind, I wonder, how many times can a person beat this fight?

Turns out, she has a gene that has been linked to causing cancer - I'm not sure what it's called or the stats on it, but I do know that other family members have been tested for this gene and thankfully, do not have it. But, this gene is why the cancer keeps coming back.

A while back, she was checked for cancer - just a "normal" screening and came back cancer free. Then, she started feeling numbness in her leg and so they thought it was probably a pinched nerve but decided to do an MRI, just in case. I'm thankful they did. Otherwise, they wouldn't have found it. It wasn't a pinched nerve. It was cancer.

So, today she starts her radiation. We're hoping she doesn't have to go through Chemo again. We shall see I guess. So, I'm asking you all to do me a favor. Pray. Pray for my grandmother and my family. Pray that she'll win this battle, once again.

Why I Care

So, as promised, my story as to why I care so much about raising money for the Susan G Komen Foundation.... Around Christmas about 8ish years ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. At that time, I hadn't ever actually known anyone who had had breast cancer or really anything about it. Also, at that time, I didn't have a really close relationship with my grandmother - because she was my step-grandmother (silly, I know). Anyhow, that diagnosis was a big hit for our family. We'd never really had anything like that happen before to us (that I was aware of). Now, my grandma is a tough bird. At the time, she was still working for the Post Office and had made a name for herself in our county. You see, she was the first female postal worker in our county that had taken a huge walking route. Her route was a total of 17ish miles. She had to walk that every single day - just so that we'd all get our mail. Now, when she first said something to her boss, he had told her that he didn't doubt that she'd quit just like everyone else... Well, that ticked my grandmother off. She was not going to quit! Maybe all those men had quit, but SHE was not going to quit that route! So, she stayed with it and a few years back she retired from the post office. Now, she didn't walk that route the whole entire time, someone finally gave her a nice postal car thing a few years ago... But 95% of the time she had that route, she had walked it...in the Arkansas hot and humid summers, the unpredictable rain, sleet, and sometimes snow. Like I said, she's a tough bird.

Well, when this hit, I saw my grandma as someone that could possibly be brought down. But, she showed us differently (as always) and showed us that she would survive this thing. When she started losing her hair, she had my grandfather shave the rest of it off and when we went out in public she wore a wig so that she didn't embarrass us - but we soon told her that she didn't embarrass us at all - we were PROUD of her. She soon began tossing the wigs...and began wearing bandannas to protect her hairless head. She went through a lot of chemo, a lot of medicine, a mastectomy, and a lot of pain - but she got past the cancer and beat it!

After that, she began to soften around the edges and we became closer. She became my grandma - more than just a title but a feeling. We all became a closer family and we knew that no matter what came into our lives, we'd beat it and we'd have the strength of our family with us through the way.

Two years ago, my grandma asked me to walk in The Race For The Cure with her. I was not a fan of getting up early and going out into the cold, but I immediately said yes. That was the best day that I had had with her in a while - a very, very emotional day. I saw my grandma cry for the first time. I saw her rejoice in the fact that she had beat this thing called cancer. And I saw her show sympathy for others who were going through the same thing. She formed a bond with those ladies - a bond that will never be broken.

Last year, my whole family walked in that race. We all walked together (okay, so I ran at the end). Then we went out to eat - just us ladies in our breast cancer shirts and pants...out to Red Lobster. We could tell that grandma wasn't exactly herself. There wasn't anything wrong with her mood but you could tell that health wise - she just wasn't up to par. That next week, she was diagnosed with breast cancer again - this time in her other breast. She had only one breast left after her previous round with cancer and now it was infected as well. We were all in shock. We thought we had beat this and it wasn't coming back. I say we because it is definitely something you go through as a family. She lost her hair again, had grandpa shave the rest of it, did the chemo, took the pills, and then had the last breast removed. She beat the cancer again. But, after the cancer, she didn't feel right still. She had something wrong with her body - she had another surgery (not related to the cancer) and just healed from it. A surgery that removed parts of her intestines among other things... She was in the hospital for over a week. She couldn't even eat or drink. Like I said, she's a tough bird.